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2002-03-11 - 8:52 p.m.

I tried very hard this evening to break something, or otherwise incapacitate my self. I lifted as close to my fail weight as possible, holding on at the machines for dear life, then pedaling away furiously at the Cardio trainers. When it was halted and stretching announced I walked calmly to the locker room where I collapsed, my legs useless jelly as I dry heaved around on the floor and hoping that I could avoid getting Tinea Pedis on my face. Kind of like Ethen Hawke in Gattaca, only I started crying which made me more Ethan Hawke in Great Expectations, the lithe lean body I want as difficult to reach as Gwyneth Paltrow. Which has the most romantic and beautiful scene ever, in my opinion, to grace the screen. Finn goes running from his show in the rain to find Estelle, sitting in a restaurant. They get up and kiss in the rain. And go back to his place. For that moment he has everything he ever wanted. Money, fame, Estelle. Then he goes to visit Nora and itís all gone. I kind of feel like that right now, that the things that I hold dear have been snatched away. Itís silly really. I was without my car and my clothes this past weekend, mainly because I needed to do laundry in the worst way. But the crutches that I use to hold myself upright with were gone, and I didnít have any support. Which is pathetic. So I managed to drink down some water, stumble in pain down to my car, and sat there, my limbs on fire, and think about things. I have open windows to pass still, I just need to find a reason.

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Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29

Zen and the stumbling rocks of fitness - 2007-07-19

- - 2007-07-11

Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20

Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18

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