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2002-06-03 - 4:00 p.m.

I want there to be easy answers to the questions that I have to face. I want the toughest decision I make in a day be whether I wear Banana Republic or Ralph Lauren. This does not denote laziness. Or an unwillingness to be active in my life. Rather the opposite. I want to be so sure of myself and confident in my abilities that I donít have to agonize over decisions. I can just make them. Surety in myself would be a great thing.

Out of the blue, I was offered a position in Portland, OR. Which is interesting because at the moment I hate my job. I loathe what Iím doing. Itís not what I enjoy, and the added responsibility has me worried. Plus, the economic outlook for my sector remains grim. Is it fate that is offering me this position? Two Christmasí ago I was faced with a similar dilemma. Although I enjoyed what I was doing at the time, I also felt that I was being taken advantage of. I was working 60-hour weeks, and taking work home. I was swamped with responsibilities and had no one to delegate to. The market at the time was not what it had been previously but I donít think people where expecting it to crash. Through various contacts I had several job offers, mostly with consulting companies with nice pay raises. The cream of the bunch was a reverse commute 15 minutes from my house for a company doing consulting work with Nextel. I interviewed well and was sold with the consulting group. I interviewed well and was sold with Nextel. Everything was going well, I was just waiting for the offer letter. I was all prepared to give my two weeks and start at the beginning of the year. But then, my company offered me a raise, promotion and a hell of a lot of stock. So I backed out of the deal. Which was actually a good thing. Because I would have been laid off after only a couple weeks on the job. Today the stock is worthless, my department is gone, and Iím holding down an interim position until July 1st. Itís a mess.

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