Your cocktail sir,

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2002-06-05 - 6:05 p.m.

I was invited to my sisterís house for dinner last night, and I was being a nice host and decided that I should show up with a case of beer as she and her boyfriend are a nice young couple with stars in their eyes and not much in the bank etc. Itís kind of a bunch of bull, but it paints a nice picture. So I stop off at the Safeway to get some things. As a joke I purchased a 40 of King Cobra, which has got to be the trashiest 40 on the market. It was a joke, though. Because we are all elitist children of upper middle class America who can appreciate the irony of the 40. Or so we like to think. The Safeway that I purchased these party treats at is nice, however it attracts a large homeless population due to itís proximity to a recycling center, Muni stop, and Pay Toilet. I knew this, however it was at the back of my mind as I purchased my hummus, baguette, case of Sierra Nevada, and the King Cobra. It got me looks, especially from the gay clientel who were intrigued not only by my keen sense of fashion but the smart choice of party fare. And then the 40 threw it all off. What was my deal? What was my scene? Which I enjoyed.

So Iím trudging my purchases to the car when I notice that most of the bums in the area seem to be paying extra attention to me. It seems that malt liquor has the ability to attract the seedier elements. If I had known I would have spent an extra $2.50 and thrown it in the bushes as a distraction as I ran to my car. It reminded me, suddenly of those stickers that you see on hot tubs that yell, CAUTION: Water Attracts Children. They should put a similar warning on the King Cobra. CAUTION: Malt Liquors attract alcoholics, or bums, or whatever. I donít think there is a PC term. Instead I just pretended to be foreign and fled to the safety of my sisterís condo. Which worked fine. Some asshole made an illegal U-Turn and stole my parking spot, but one opened up down the block so I got over it. I wanted to do something terrible to his shit brown mini-van however I have decided to let the universe handle it. Not that Iíve suddenly taken to some new age regime that letís me be free and listen to Enya and what have you. Itís just that I have too much other stuff going on to worry about assholes who steal parking spots. Plus there was hummus to be had and Malt Liquor to bestow.

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