Your cocktail sir,

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2002-09-10 - 9:07 p.m.

I cam home this evening, talking on the phone with Weetabix, and during the course of our conversation I proceeded to lie on the floor. It was cool, and comfortable and seemed like a good idea at the time. I hung up the phone and 3 Ĺ hours later I awoke to a soggy rug, a dry mouth, and more disorientation than I cared to think about. Luckily my clothing was on correctly so I could rule out an Alien Abduction theory. My ass didnít feel like it had been probed or anything, although I wouldnít really know. I once was talked into being rimmed (BY A GIRL, SHEESH) and it was actually almost pleasant. Then she stuck a finger somewhere she shouldnít and it kind of killed the romantic nature of the evening. I was too uptight for her though and we broke up soon after.

Mmh, little bit of scary exposition there.

So, I stumbled around a bit trying to get some semblance of normalcy back together. I had some tea, changed my clothes, made a sandwich. The basic things. There was little to no sign of the ants, except for a few dead ones that had climbed up to the top of the dishsoap bottle and had drowned in a citrus breeze. Comforted, but taking no chances with their return I cleaned up right after making the sandwich. As I was putting the sandwich fixings away I saw a scuttle out of the corner of my eye, moving under the table. Was it a trick of the light? Closing the fridge door I glanced into the living room, and then under the kitchen table. The ants had called in the cavalry. There, itís antenna swirling about in a vicious pattern was the largest cockroach I have ever seen. I screamed. Like a girl. Grabbed a dishtowel and threw it on the roach. Then I threw a cookie sheet on the towel. Then I breathed heavily. Scenes from Mimic sprang to mind, and Naked Lunch and that horrible, horrible part in Lord of the Rings when the ringwraith sniffs around for Frodo and all the bugs and such come out of the ground. That was the only part of that movie that gave me the creeps. Giant flaming eye? Whatever. Iíve got a Costco Card. I can bring in a 55 gallon drum of Visine. While the rest of the fellowship ran from the goblin horde in the mines of Mordor, I saw an opportunity for a Mary Kaye franchise that would have elevated one to the top tier of the company. I was also thinking of something that I either read or picked up somewhere, one of those strange factoids that anyone with a fear of insects probably never is able to forget, that if you see one bug, there are hundreds more hiding just out of sight. So, gathering all of my resolve, I stomped on the cookie tray. All over it. For about a minute. And then I threw the towel away. There were remains. Hideous reminders. I have carpet in my kitchen. Well, itís not really carpet. Itís more that institutional stuff that one sees in the schools built in the late 70ís. I was afraid to approach the floor, as there were nooks and crannies all over that kitchen. Under the shelf units from IKEA, the fridge. The walls around the fridge. The stove. At any moment an army could overwhelm me. Luckily the shock would kill me before anything else. So I got out the toilet sponge and wiped down the detritus. And then, leaving all the lights on, I retreated to the living room couch. THE SANDWICH IS IN ON THE STOVE! I FORGOT ABOUT THE SANDWICH! OH MY GOD!

Okay, everything is fine. Iím going to go take a vicadin now and pass out until morning.

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