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2003-03-13 - 6:43 a.m.

I kept stealing tiny increments of sleep this morning, until the guilt about not want to go to work overcame the joy of laying there in a doze.

I worked 13 hours yesterday. I think that I could have worked all the way through the night and be there still, worried about what I still need to get done. Itís not marytdom if no one is around to appreciate it either. Itís just stupid.

Something needs to change. Whether itís just giving notice and walking away, or changing my attitude, or just figuring out ways to work smarter instead of harder. My body canít take it anymore. My neck and shoulders are painfully tight and my left eye has developed a nervous tic that is distracting at best. It hurts to raise my arms. I can actually feel the nutrients leeching out of me, along with my creativity and joy. Itís no wonder that the accoutrements of my life are breaking down; I have nothing with which to sustain them.

So, today, Iím going to do something. I havenít decided what it is yet. But it will be and unselfish yet entirely my own. I will also be grateful with the little luxuries that pepper my day; emails from Wendy, conversations with coworkers, the sour jelly beans that pepper our office, and whatever else comes my way. I am appreciated and valued, I get to learn to accept that again.

previous - next

Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29

Zen and the stumbling rocks of fitness - 2007-07-19

- - 2007-07-11

Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20

Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18

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