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2003-03-25 - 11:12 a.m.

Yesterday was awful. Just awful. Iím being pulled in so many ways at work that I feel like a piece of Taffy all stretched out and pummeled. Only Iím not very sweet.

There is a strange air about the office, an almost tangible sense of expectation. We are moving to the newly finished smaller office and also losing 30% of our employees. Itís not an environment that is conducive to work, but I tried my damndest yesterday. So, today Iím coasting.

I say that, although not really. Iím taking a break at the moment because I was about to snap from the pressure of running my department and deal with end of quarter/fiscal year stresses and workloads that Iíve never had to bear alone before. My emotional health is a roller coaster of accomplishment and despair that leaves me weak and bitter at the end of the day. Which has been coming later and later. Iíll get through it somehow. I always do.

I spent last night dealing with my educational future. I have decided, though I have no idea how Iím going to accomplish it, both financially and time wise, to go back to school. I am a little bit vague on where exactly, but Iím fishing around. I was originally thinking of Art and writing and following my dreams. But I donít want to start over, a 4th time. Yes, itís true. I have started over my college career. So, I think that I have enough credits to get through with a Communication degree. And thatís what Iím going to do. I can minor in something art/creatively related. I can go to graduate school. I will admit that a small part of that decision has to do with my future employability. I have lovely experience but no formal education. A formal education and the experience will allow me a little more confidence in shaping my future. Or so I am thinking. It was actually a difficult decision. As was the thought of giving notice and leaving my employment. But that means giving up my apartment and my life as it currently is and either becoming one of the bums that I admire so at the Starbucks downtown or becoming a caricature of the failed late 20ís artist living in his parents basement.

I had a meeting with the EB and the Current B yesterday afternoon that I didnít have time for, but it had been put off so many times that it had to happen. Rather than a session of blamestorming and analysis paralysis, it turned out to be semi productive. Plus there was about 10 minutes of how important I am, and regardless to my feelings it was nice. It also was suggested to me that I take advantage of my upper hand to change some things. Which actually was one of those head smacking moments where one sympathizes with Homerís DíOh! I have wasted half a year to moping and stewing. I have spent the last couple of months trying to appease people. Well, no more. These are my processes and if they have been deemed good enough to implement worldwide, then fuck anyone who gets in my way. Once Iím gone, they can change them to their hearts content. I donít care what the consultants are saying, or what people think my role is. I know what it is, I wrote it. I flowcharted it. I placed it in the ISO hierarchy. I loaded it into TUTOR. I am the only person left from all of those projects. So, itís true. Like the Legend of Greyskull, I do have the power. And while I am not indispensable, I am relied upon and it would be very difficult to get someone to just walk in off the street and replace me. Itís all about pressing my advantage. I feel like Dee Snyder is going to pop in and start singing at any moment.

previous - next

Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29

Zen and the stumbling rocks of fitness - 2007-07-19

- - 2007-07-11

Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20

Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18

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