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2003-04-16 - 12:29 p.m.

I am starting into the punishment phase of my resignation mile. Or so it seems. I was called a quitter this morning, only it didnít sound like Quitter, but rather Queer which caused no small amount of heads to bob up out of the cubicles. It was clarified. Quit-Ter.

I almost had a lawsuit. Damn it.

Iím also getting all kinds of things about my laptop and how it has to be returned and the last date that I can submit an expense report. My expense account actually was taken away this morning. Anything dated after today will not be paid out on. I have to get a check request and blah blah blah. It just means that I wonít be taking my replacement person out to lunch. The laptop email was rather rude, suggesting that I would like nothing more than to abscond with this amazing technological toy they gave me. Itís nice, but hell, itís not that nice. Iíll miss it, but only because it is more sophisticated than my home computer. Itís slim lines and modular components inside that silver exterior is nice to travel with, far better than the hunk of functionality that is my Dell.

I donít mind that they are being punitive. I can deal with that. It only strengthens my resolve to be out of here. They are scared children scrambling for security in this crazy world, and I do have some compassion. Not enough to stay, but to understand that they donít mean it personally. However, it is already getting tiring. Iím going to Utah this evening. For the first time, I donít have anyone to delegate the essentials to. Iím like the gully in a Hockey game. Except it sometimes feels like I donít have any padding on. Iíll just deal the best that I can. Iím hoping that while I wonít be able to totally let go, Iíll at least be able to relax. I have massage and chiropractic appointments waiting for me however, as well as meeting David Sedaris, so Iíll manage to get through it all.

I checked on studios and sublets in San Francisco last night. The city is drawing me to it. I was half-heartedly looking through the want ads. I need to come up with a plan. Itís important. I donít need to necessarily follow it, I just need something there to reassure me. Some subtle crutch so I donít feel so lost. And an alternative to quitter that doesnít allow for small dogs, matching kimonos, and entry into orifices that should best be left alone.

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Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29

Zen and the stumbling rocks of fitness - 2007-07-19

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Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20

Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18

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