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2003-05-25 - 10:43 p.m.

I have decided, tonight, that 2003 has won. Working with life, it has succeeded in breaking me. Yes, it�s true. I am now officially broken.

I�m calling tomorrow for a bailout. This will entail the permanent sidetracking of my dreams and a prodigal return home. I will work hard, make a good living, no doubt raise a family. The thing that hurts, is how 2003 got to me. It used my car. Yes, it�s true. My car.

I was driving home tonight after spending a refreshing afternoon with family. We laughed, we cried, we teased. I was feeling good. We saw a movie. Xmen2. Liked it. I opted out of dinner because it was later and I had some leftovers in my fridge. 3 blocks from those leftovers My check engine and oil light came on. Then the car died.

I sat there for a few minutes. Then, I calmly put on my emergency flashers. I waited another minute. Turned off the Radio. I was not thinking. I was just numbed. I got out and pushed it to the side of the road. It�s a metered spot that I centered it in, but I don�t have to worry about it until Tuesday. Everything is going to be closed tomorrow. I�m just going to leave it there. I work. Or am scheduled to work. I�ll take transit. Which I normally do. Although I had thought of driving in tomorrow since it�s a holiday and parking is free. Not now.

I was walking home when I kind of took stock of everything.

I have no way of paying for the repairs. The brakes took me to zero. I have no way of paying for school. Or that Mac I passed on. Or a Happy fucking Meal at McDonalds. I don�t blame anything. I don�t even blame the car. I made the choices that brought me to here. I am tired. I thought I had made the right choice. Life has decided otherwise. Maybe it is a test. Well, I�m going to fail it. I don�t see it as multiple choice. Or even essay. The solution is all in Algebra or something. Quantum Physics. Perhaps it is in Greek. Regardless, the entire life I lead just a scant week and a half ago is near to being completely wiped out. It will on the first when I give up my apartment. The car, the life, everything. Gone. Lovely.

I�ll be paying for it well into my 30�s but still. I have no regrets. Or any that I�m willing to acknowledge. I will be taking the path of least resistance. Which is leading me to bed at this point.

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