2006-08-11 - 22:47
I find myself really just folding in this poker game that I find myself am. And I shouldn't be. There is change on the horizon, a bright future that requires shades, a shifting of my place in this society. Instead of looking at the silver lining, I'm looking at the clouds, no matter how wispy thin they seem to be.
I'm bitter. And not in a funny caustic way that is at times self deprecating but always amusing. No, I'm the bad kind of bitter, where I nurse my vodka and soda alone, surrounded by the mess of my life in my parents basement and not wanting to do anything. I've insulated myself. It's for their protection though. I wouldn't want any of this bottled up emotion to come spilling out, a tsunami and doubt, hate, and rage. It's not good.
Neither is keeping it up inside, I know. But I don't know where else to put it.
I don't know what went wrong this week. I was so wanting to change, so committed to it. But each attempt really screwed me over. I tried to get my house closing date moved up, and instead saw it move from the anticipated Thursday closing to Aug 24th, a 2 week slip. I set up a date, only to have it cancelled last minute and no word since. I reached out to my father, hoping that perhaps we could come to terms with working together and had that blow up like a nuclear bomb in my face, leaving me scarred, and without anything left inside. It seems that I'm not the only one full up with vitriol.
It's destroyed my confidence. It's broken the part of me that is reached by alcohol that allows me to be witty when I'm far outside my comfort zone. It's confirmed all those dark horrible things we think about ourselves in the middle of the night when we wake up from bad dreams. It's taken over.
Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29
Zen and the stumbling rocks of fitness - 2007-07-19
- - 2007-07-11
Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20
Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18
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