2002-05-28 - 1:09 a.m.
This weekend has been good. Good times with friends. We went to a comedy club on Saturday night, and the comedian was excellent, good fun. Afterwards he happened into the bar we had ended up at, to continue our party. And he joined us. It always pays to have attractive single women hanging around. And he was funny in real life. Plus, I don't think the bar charged me my full tab. Then on Sunday a more intimate group than the night before went to play shuffle board and eat breakfast food at Denny's in the wee hours of Monday morning. But then, I had a really rough Monday. It started out nice. It started out pleasant. Very relaxing, sitting on the patio with some refreshing beverages and nice weather.. A barbeque planned for the afternoon/early evening. Why was this rough? I guess on the surface that it wasn't. On a vague shallow level everything was sunshine and lollipops. We ate, we laughed, and sat around enjoying each others' company. It was actually as the party was breaking up that things jammed into reverse on the freeway. One of my friends was avoiding me all weekend. And I finally found out why tonight. I have this amazing talent of saying things that are, well, stupid and inappropriate. Like the little sensor inside my head was downsized years ago and instead I've replaced him with a monkey. Who is easily distracted and doesn't do a very good job. Such lack of an internal auditor has gotten me into serious trouble in the past. It's sometimes funny stuff. But it can be harsh. And my friend didn't feel up to risking my barbed tongue and mean wit. Which really bothered me. I'm such a callous, selfish fuck sometimes, it's embarrassing. It's partly because I feel a lot of guilt for being unhappy with my circumstances, when all of my friends are dealing with serious issues. I'm worked up because my job isn't great and I'm trying to find an apartment that I can afford in a neighborhood that I find suitable. All of my problems are superficial. Like me, and it's depressing. Well, I can type all night with this self defeating and loathsome bullshit. So I'll stop. And buy some new shoes and clothes and work longer hours at my job, trying to convince myself that I'm a good person. That's the nice thing about depression. It goes away eventually. Even if you sometimes have to get pills for it. Like good times, it doesn't last forever.
Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29
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Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20
Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18Guestbook Notes