2002-05-29 - 4:04 p.m.
I have been in a foul temper for 24 hours. But I’m over it now. There was fu snaffing at the airport right and left and it took me longer than I anticipated getting home. But I had lots of time to think. Which is dangerous when one tries to project a shallow image to the world. Introspection holds no course. In the movie Trainspotting, Renton gives the famous rant about choosing life and a career and leisurewear and matching luggage etc. And I’ve pretty much always done that, albeit in my own way. Because I prefer my leisure wear to be tastefully subtle with logos embroidered rather than the kind that comes in hyperactive velour or kinetic nylon. But I’m 100% behind the luggage bit. But as I spent my time in airports, leaving Utah yesterday, and also while waiting for the shuttle to take me to BART, I didn’t want to. I want to say, to hell with it all and choose something else. Not Heroin. Something that means something. I think I’m a good person, in a vague socially acceptable way. Like the rest of the socio economic group that I belong too. I donate to the good will. I volunteer at the Humane Society. I participate in Charity Runs. But I’m soulless I feel. In my quest to become another vapid yuppie, taking the path of least resistance, so I could merely go through the motions of life until a heart attack does me in at 50, it seems that I have lost my soul. Or traded it for the half yearly sale at Nordstrom. Fortunately they have a liberal return policy so I could probably get it back. But that also means I have to give up my cynical side. And for what? I use that, along with my dress and social attitude to prop myself up. Part of this is probably because I was reading Will Self on the plane. He’s so graphic and anti society. I’m kind of sponge. Which is why I don’t like being alone. I like to insulate myself with pop culture. I normally read Maxim and GQ while traveling. Because it fits in with my world view. I like to drink scotches in the airport lounges that corporate travel and business lunches earned me the miles to get into. I’m good at being the me who breezes through life and gets by on filler. The issue that I guess I’m sort of getting to is that I don’t want to hide behind the labels. I don’t want to act out the version of myself that I’ve created as an artifice in order to protect myself from the world. I have every reason to be happy damn it. So I will be.
Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29
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Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20
Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18
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