2002-05-29 - 4:04 p.m.
I have been in a foul temper for 24 hours. But I�m over it now. There was fu snaffing at the airport right and left and it took me longer than I anticipated getting home. But I had lots of time to think. Which is dangerous when one tries to project a shallow image to the world. Introspection holds no course. In the movie Trainspotting, Renton gives the famous rant about choosing life and a career and leisurewear and matching luggage etc. And I�ve pretty much always done that, albeit in my own way. Because I prefer my leisure wear to be tastefully subtle with logos embroidered rather than the kind that comes in hyperactive velour or kinetic nylon. But I�m 100% behind the luggage bit. But as I spent my time in airports, leaving Utah yesterday, and also while waiting for the shuttle to take me to BART, I didn�t want to. I want to say, to hell with it all and choose something else. Not Heroin. Something that means something. I think I�m a good person, in a vague socially acceptable way. Like the rest of the socio economic group that I belong too. I donate to the good will. I volunteer at the Humane Society. I participate in Charity Runs. But I�m soulless I feel. In my quest to become another vapid yuppie, taking the path of least resistance, so I could merely go through the motions of life until a heart attack does me in at 50, it seems that I have lost my soul. Or traded it for the half yearly sale at Nordstrom. Fortunately they have a liberal return policy so I could probably get it back. But that also means I have to give up my cynical side. And for what? I use that, along with my dress and social attitude to prop myself up. Part of this is probably because I was reading Will Self on the plane. He�s so graphic and anti society. I�m kind of sponge. Which is why I don�t like being alone. I like to insulate myself with pop culture. I normally read Maxim and GQ while traveling. Because it fits in with my world view. I like to drink scotches in the airport lounges that corporate travel and business lunches earned me the miles to get into. I�m good at being the me who breezes through life and gets by on filler. The issue that I guess I�m sort of getting to is that I don�t want to hide behind the labels. I don�t want to act out the version of myself that I�ve created as an artifice in order to protect myself from the world. I have every reason to be happy damn it. So I will be.
Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29
Zen and the stumbling rocks of fitness - 2007-07-19
- - 2007-07-11
Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20
Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18
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