2003-05-25 - 10:43 p.m.
I have decided, tonight, that 2003 has won. Working with life, it has succeeded in breaking me. Yes, itís true. I am now officially broken.
Iím calling tomorrow for a bailout. This will entail the permanent sidetracking of my dreams and a prodigal return home. I will work hard, make a good living, no doubt raise a family. The thing that hurts, is how 2003 got to me. It used my car. Yes, itís true. My car.
I was driving home tonight after spending a refreshing afternoon with family. We laughed, we cried, we teased. I was feeling good. We saw a movie. Xmen2. Liked it. I opted out of dinner because it was later and I had some leftovers in my fridge. 3 blocks from those leftovers My check engine and oil light came on. Then the car died.
I sat there for a few minutes. Then, I calmly put on my emergency flashers. I waited another minute. Turned off the Radio. I was not thinking. I was just numbed. I got out and pushed it to the side of the road. Itís a metered spot that I centered it in, but I donít have to worry about it until Tuesday. Everything is going to be closed tomorrow. Iím just going to leave it there. I work. Or am scheduled to work. Iíll take transit. Which I normally do. Although I had thought of driving in tomorrow since itís a holiday and parking is free. Not now.
I was walking home when I kind of took stock of everything.
I have no way of paying for the repairs. The brakes took me to zero. I have no way of paying for school. Or that Mac I passed on. Or a Happy fucking Meal at McDonalds. I donít blame anything. I donít even blame the car. I made the choices that brought me to here. I am tired. I thought I had made the right choice. Life has decided otherwise. Maybe it is a test. Well, Iím going to fail it. I donít see it as multiple choice. Or even essay. The solution is all in Algebra or something. Quantum Physics. Perhaps it is in Greek. Regardless, the entire life I lead just a scant week and a half ago is near to being completely wiped out. It will on the first when I give up my apartment. The car, the life, everything. Gone. Lovely.
Iíll be paying for it well into my 30ís but still. I have no regrets. Or any that Iím willing to acknowledge. I will be taking the path of least resistance. Which is leading me to bed at this point.
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