2007-07-19 - 9:14 a.m.
So, I have been working very hard at getting into shape. Not necesarily dieting, but eating less, eating healthy, taking enzymes and vitamins, and working out. A Lot. All old fashion strength and conditioning excercises using my body for resistance training and running. It's a slow process, which I find frustrating, and also a strange process, as my weight hasn't really changed but I've lost over 2" in my waiste, gained an inch at my arms and lost that inch in my thighs. My forearms are suddenly muscled and that area between my shoulders and my neck suddenly has a little chorded triangle of muscle that wasn't there before.
It all sounds good and all, but I still have all that fat kicking around, and now instead of giving me a solid appearance, the supporting fat has gone first, and I'm droopy, I guess is the best way to put it. It sags and folds differently, unnatractively. Logicaly I can tell myself that it's just a phase, that eventually I'll have the shape that I want and I just have to keep going strong with the working out and the concious eating. Emotionally? I'm disgusted and can't really handle it. Which is just strange. I should be happy, proud of myself, jubilant that I'm shedding the fat that has plagued me off and on since High School. But no. It's all self loathing and wanting to gorge myself on frozen dollar pizzas until the influx of sodium causes me to bloat back to a weight I also hated but at least was comfortable with.
It's almost like taking a step back, actually, that's exactly how it feels. I do have more stamina, I do have more energy, although my apnea has taken a little turn for the worse. It's just all fluid at the moment and it's not making me happy.
Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29
Zen and the stumbling rocks of fitness - 2007-07-19
- - 2007-07-11
Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20
Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18Guestbook Notes