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2003-01-20 - 10:53 p.m.

It started raining. And rather than go to sleep, I sat out on the porch of this old house and had a cigarette, just the one since it was all the holdover left from my last night of drunken debauchery. I enjoy smoking. Itís very relaxing. Something to concentrate at, something to do with my hands. I donít like the smell, or the way my mouth tastes afterwards. This was not even a particularly fresh cigarette, since I found it while cleaning out my car the other day. Lord knows how long it had sat there. But the cars and the rain provided a steady soundtrack to the glow of the tip, the shadows from the streetlights and auto lamps zipping past. It was very peaceful. I honestly feel a little bit centered. A little better. When I was younger, going through the stress of Jr. High, my church youth group would have a retreat up at Pajaro Dunes, where we would do the now inconceivable things that youth groups have done since I guess the Ď50s. But I used to wake very early, before sunrise, and watch the Ocean. Being on the west coast meant that there was no over the water arrival of the sun, just it slowly sneaking up on one. Gradually lighting the sands around me as I sat on the beach. Eventually it would pass the dune and reflect brightly on the water. That same sense of calm acceptance I used to feel is very similar to what I felt tonight, just now. Sitting on my porch. I didnít worry about the uncertainty of my future, or cumulate the bad decisions of my past. I just sat there and enjoyed the weather. I may have found the Zen for my diary after all.

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Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29

Zen and the stumbling rocks of fitness - 2007-07-19

- - 2007-07-11

Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20

Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18

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