2006-07-25 - 10:08 a.m.
I have no capacity for accepting kindness or compassion from people I care about it.
This is, perhaps, a great flaw in my character.
I'm going through a lot right now. The whole house. Family pressure on top of the financial distress our companies find themselves in. These things have weighed heavily on me, and I've not been handling it well.
Last night though, man. It was a variety of things that caused me to snap. But when I snap, it's very anticlimatic. I just walked out, although not very far, and not out of my life. I was tempted. Just keep driving, driving, driving until I ran out of gas and money and then could settle.
But, I'm back at work today, dealing with the fall out of my non-tantrum. And I'm actually grateful that I had two very good friends who refused to allow me to wallow in either self pity or doubt about my place and the sacrifices that I've made to be here. Which, is impressive considering the pizza delivery guy backed into my car while leaving, doing about $3k worth of damage (mostly parts, which is just crazy. Where are they coming from? On the Concord from Stockholm?)to the left front of my car.
But the real doubt and disgust that I felt was my needing to be bolstered, was my needing the compassion from my dear friends. Such weakness left me awake all night, full of self deprecating thoughts and acute embarrasment, that the lacquered mask that surrounds me at all times to hide the percieved ugly beneath could be so fragile, the stress of these past couple weaks could have exposed it's inability to shield me, and that the pain underneath could be so raw and vindictive at its exposure.
I am at a loss with how to deal with this sudden maelstorm of confliction.
Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29
Zen and the stumbling rocks of fitness - 2007-07-19
- - 2007-07-11
Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20
Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18
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