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2002-09-05 - 10:21 p.m.

If anyone spots a passion for life lying around, itís mine. I seem to have lost it.

I feel very blah. Actually, I think I feel more like melted vanilla ice cream. When I was younger, I always got a sort of visceral thrill about being depressed. Wearing all black and dying my hair. Getting all mawkish because I was misunderstood. All those stupid poems about suicide. Aw, but those were the days.

Yes, itís quite a low, when one is reminiscing about their suicidal days. Actually, a couple of those films they showed in health class might cheer me up a bit. Youíd think, what with every damn channel offered by Direct TV that would be one of them. The old filmstrip channel. In the fourth grade we watched a formerly colored film produced by Disney that dealt with, in a very indirect route, evolution. Well, not really. It was about the human body, and involved Greek gods. Or perhaps I dreamed it. I donít know. The blood in our veins was somehow tied to salt water or something. Which was the evolutionary spin that I remember. We also watched a preliminary sex ed film in the 4th grade. But we had to have a parent present. Which is really not something I was prepared for, especially since my mother happened to be present. It was much better than the film in the 6th grade that dealt with masturbation titled ďAm I Normal?Ē That one was a little more traumatizing. At least they segregated the girls and boys for that one. I always wondered what filmstrips the girls got to see. I hope it was better than an extra from a Sid & Marty Croft show talking to various members of his community about the changes going on with his body. His epiphany about ďbeing normalĒ came at the Zoo if I recall. But honestly, I was so mortified at that point I wasnít paying attention. That was a very subdued afternoon if I recall.

And I canít believe I just shared that.

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