2005-02-07 - 9:24 p.m.
I'm in a really bad mood. I have been for days. Nothing that I seem to do is managing to drag me out of it. Including admitting that I have a problem. Coffee, chocolate, fried foods, they are doing nothing. Kids in the Hall? Not even a smile. My iPod has been looping Mr Brightsides to no avail. It does get inside a little more than the others. But it doesn't lift me like it has in the past.
It's just a general malaise, I think. Brought on by the weather and the stress of my job. Of my feeling alone. Or maybe I'm just being a self centered whiny little bitch who has no reason or right to complain about his life. Either way, it's disgusting. I am not a fan of depression. I feel like I should be able to give myself a nice little pep talk and be done with it. Which is a skewed view of mental illness, but that's what I'm working with. And when my depression refuses to listen to the '50s housewife in my head telling it to shoo away from her clean floors, well, then I'm at a loss.
It's also not helping that I'm sitting in a coffee shop surrounded by emo and college kids fulfilling thier social quotos while I type alone into a powerbook.
It's kind of turned me into some pre-teen, annoyed and anxious, afraid of the futures uncertainty and in general a pain in the ass to be around. Everything offends me and nothing makes me happy. Perhaps I'll paint everything in my flat black and listen to morrisey on repeat until I start cutting myself. Of course, I could also go do something stupid that I'll regret for the rest of my life, like drive to Wendover and blow the rent at the craps table. Or get a tattoo. Of Lindsey Lohan riding something phalic. Most likely I'll go home and try to go to bed. Because my life is like that these days.
Zen and don't cry out loud - 2007-07-29
Zen and the stumbling rocks of fitness - 2007-07-19
- - 2007-07-11
Zen and fasting - 2007-06-20
Zen and hiccups - 2007-06-18
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